As always please allow me to apologize for the lack of blogging as of late... I'm an ass. I realize this. Moving on.
Kaliis and I are currently living in Easthampton. We found this really cute 3 bedroom (although more like 2 bedrooms and a small room which might fit a twin size bed) which has a garden and is in a quaint neighborhood. Things are going well in that department.
And that's pretty much all of the good I have to share today...
My life has been an emotional rollercoaster as of late. My birthday was lackluster at best (although I appreciate those of you who took the time out of your busy schedules to help celebrate). Work has been stressful and annoying and not a day goes by that I don't wonder why exactly I found myself back at IHEG.
Then there's that girl.
We were hanging out again rather frequently. Things were good although slightly awkward at times. She single-handedly devestated my birthday and then proceeded to make me the happiest I had been in months. She did this in the span of 3 hours. Since then, however, things have turned for the absolute worst. Deceit (whether intentional or not), unreturned phonecalls/texts, last minute changes of plans, and everything else that causes good things to sour. Today I pseudo-ran into her at CVS. I know she saw me. She just walked on past without even a hello.
The strange thing, to me, is that I am pretty certain that I didn't do anything to cause this change of behavior. One minute we were baring our souls to each other like we had done in the past and the next it's as if we don't even know each other anymore. The shittiest thing about it all is that she still holds such a large place in my heart. If I could only force her out of there then I could easily just walk away. I am ready to sever all ties if need be. This ambivalence toward me is more crushing than anything that we have dealt with in the past.
I don't know. Maybe she'll read this and call me and things will definitively go one way or another. Maybe I'll get the story behind Sunday night and, if I'm lucky, an apology to boot. Or maybe this is truly the end. Maybe it was a mistake to even allow her back into my life. Anyway, this sucks.
Yesterday I spent almost the entire day in Northampton. I woke up a little before 9 (gotta love being essentially unemployed) and headed into town. Upon arriving and parking I walked a few blocks to get cigarettes and decided to keep on walking. After about 4 miles of aimless meandering I popped into Packards to see Jared and Kendra. We chatted. It was fun. Then I went to Pulaski Park, sat on a bench, and finished a book that Jil's father bought for me when we first met. It occurred to me that it was the 17th and they were showing my absolute favorite movie of all time (Harold And Maude) at The Academy. I called Kaliis and we decided to go to the 5 o'clock showing. It was around 1 when I called her. I walked to my car to get another book (always keep books on your person or in your car). While walking there I came across five people on different occassions who recognized me and used my name (e.g. "Hey Peter!", "How's it going Peter?", "Long time no see Peter..." etc.) Although I recognized the faces of two of them I did not know any of their names. I hate generalizing responses to things like "hey man, what's up?" but sometimes I am forced to. Anyway, went back to the park to read and wait for Kaliis. She was late and so we opted out of the 5pm showing and settled on the 7. We decided to head to the mall to take advantage of the tax-free weekend. We then went to the movie (amazing as always... I teared up a bit). Afterwards we walked to Bishops for Karaoke. I stayed until 1 and then went for another walk around town before heading to my car and going home. I got home around 2:15. Essentially I meandered in and about Northampton from 9am until 2am with an hour detour to the mall. It was one of the better days I've had in months.
Contrary to Saturday's post I went and picked up the majority of my stuff from Jil's today. We chatted for a bit and, with the exception of some truly awkward hugs, was an extremely amicable experience. She brought up the 'you should come over and hang sometime' as well as the 'we will always be friends' aspects. I didn't shrug them off completely but I also wasn't jumping for joy at either prospect. Don't get me wrong; Jil is an amazing person. She is fun and funny and we had some great times. I just have a hard time staying connected to someone that I have disconnected from. To be fair my usual timeframe from 'Seriously Seeing Someone' to 'Spending Time With Someone I Used To See Seriously' averages about a year. We broke up in July (it might have been late June, I didn't mark the date). We'll see how this pans out. I did find out something that I found hilarious though... Jil, If you are reading this I sincerely wish you the best of luck with THAT! ;) (I think I just died a little when I typed out that smiley)
If we don't settle on a place soon we are going to head up to my cabin in Rowe for a month or so. Upside to that: I'll get to catch up on some reading and writing Downside to that: I will be almost completely isolated from society. No internet access. No cellphone service. No neighborhood bar. Just me and nature.
...or 'How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Fact That We Will Continue To Run Into Each Other On A Semi-Regular Basis And You, Being The Mature One, Will Be Seeing Other People (Including Those I Know) And Inadvertently Remind Me That I Walked Away From Something That Could Easily Be Construed As Contentment But Could Never Pass As Happiness.'
Someday I will adjust to that fact. Until that day comes, however, things will continue to be awkward between us. I refuse to pick up the rest of my things on the slim chance that someday I would need to bring said things back to your place. I understand that we'll never be together again but sometimes I dream that that isn't the case. Often I miss you. Occasionally I resent you. Once in a while I remind myself that this is for the best. I sincerely hope that you are happy without me and I sincerely hope that I too can experience that soon.
So today is an uber-busy day. Actually, it only gets busy tonight but you understand what I mean.
First up, at 10 at The Iron Horse, Electric Six is playing which is AWESOME! Check out the video for 'Gay Bar' below:
As much as they will be fun I am more excited for the openers. First up we have The Coke Dares (featuring members of Magnolia Electric Co.) I wasn't too familiar with them so I checked them out on the YouTube. They seem fun and sound like a good way to open the show. Check 'em out below:
The following act is truly the reason that I am going to this show tonight. I like Electric Six and all but something about these guys just screams 'outshining the headliner from the moment they step on stage'. I am talking about Tragedy: The Metal Tribute To The Bee Gees. Read that again. The METAL Tribute To The BEE GEES. Sheer awesomeness! Check them out below:
How fucking awesome is that?!?!?!?!?
Hopefully I'll get to catch them before rushing over to The Elevens to catch Kaliis, Neal, Rich, Greg, and Alex rock socks off! Of course I'm talking about The Brass one of my favorite local bands. They blend power-pop (almost bubblegum) with some rock stylings to create a sound that isn't common in The Valley. Their shows are invariably informal and yet terribly fun. I urge people to check them out! Tonight they have the middle slot in a line-up that also features The Campbell Apartment and Beast With 2 Backs. Below you'll find a clip with TERRIBLE SOUND QUALITY! (but it should give you an idea) Buddy System
After which I'm going to need to hightail it over to the Deuce to help celebrate Matty's birthday and maybe even sing a song. Hopefully I can make it in before the doors close but I'm feeling a little skeptical.
The show at The Horse starts at 10. Tickets are like $15 or so at the door (I'm not really sure)
The show at The Elevens starts at 10 (The Brass should be on between 11 and 11:30). There's probably a $1-$5 cover charge (again I'm not really sure)
My mistake! I'm actually looking at the apartment tomorrow!
But it doesn't look promising. The landlord is the one person in town that I would prefer not get my hard earned cash. I was hoping that it was one of the other buildings... it's not.
Oh well, I'm still going to check it out tomorrow.
Also, I am really looking forward to tonight! I like seeing friends that I don't get to see on a regular basis. Time is running out for keeping in touch with these people and thankfully plans didn't fall through. That makes me happy!
(did you notice that for the last few posts I started using proper punctuation/capitalization? I have been doing it subconsciously lately...)
We are approaching September and Kaliis and I still haven't quite found a place. We have looked at a few in and around Northampton ranging from 'way cheaper than we expected to spend' all the way to 'better sell our kidneys to pay the rent'. Tomorrow we look at an ideal location for us.
Two bedroom on Center St. Within our price range. Literally spitting distance from where she works (and where it seems I will be working again in the near future). W/D centrally located in the building. New appliances. Hardwood in common areas. Sounds just about perfect...
Downfall number 1: As with just about EVERY place in Northampton there is no parking included. She is certain that she can work with that. I am not so sure. However, I am in no place to abandon my vehicle as of yet (until I buy a bicycle that is) so that will need to be addressed. Any ideas?
Downfall number 2: The listing explicitly states no pets (which is odd as people that I know who have lived in the same building in the past have kept indoor cats). I am not sure that I am ready to abandon psycho kitty yet. I mean, look at those eyes! If anybody wants him I might be willing to part with him... who am I kidding. He's a temperamental beast who only likes myself and The Putz... We'll see
Anyway... I'm checking it out tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
On a completely different note: I need to sincerely apologize to a good friend of mine. A few weeks back I did something that truly affected our friendship and could have cost her her job. Not that it's an excuse for my behavior but I was on the intoxicated side at the time. I have since apologized numerous times and understand that a barrier of trust was broken. Our friendship has been rocky in the past and this didn't help anything. I have a difficult time earning her trust and to throw that back in her face was truly stupid of me.
Recently I had the same thing happen to me. I have never felt so betrayed as I did during this situation. Once I had moved beyond my initial anger I realized that what happened to me is exactly what I did to the aforementioned friend. I know that I have apologized already and I know that things between us might never be the same but I would like to make it up to you somehow.
To the person who betrayed my trust recently: I am not going to carry this grudge forever. I also realize that in my anger I said some stupid things to people that probably should not have heard them. However, this is not the first time that you have taken something that I have shared in confidence and revealed it. Don't expect me to EVER turn to you again. Don't expect that I will EVER be there for you either. Time fixes everything to a point but I don't think our relationship will ever go back to what it was.
2. If you are reading this you are probably around the same age as I am and will appreciate the references to The Legend Of Zelda
3. Felicia Day ('Penny' from the stupendous Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog) plays the fairy
4. It is hilarious!!!
5. It will give us something to talk about the next time we see each other
seriously, check it out here. it isn't work friendly material (language and crude humor) but is well worth checking out. they have posted the first four 6 minute episodes and continue to release new episodes every thursday.